I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
