final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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