Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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