also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize