I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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