I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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