that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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