Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
