I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
