whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
