Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was confusing and full of hummus
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
