it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
