Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
