Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
