He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
