god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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