I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
pray to the hookup gods
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
