I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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