We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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