dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Houston, we have a blender
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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