I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
