o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
