Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
