He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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