The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize