Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
