yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize