What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
