my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
