i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
