Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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