honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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