I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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