3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think my fart just growled at me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
