I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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