let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
