apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
