Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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