your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
