This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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