I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
