I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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