how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
