he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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