alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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