This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
