remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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