I want to have your abortion
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
