At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
