Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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