I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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