theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
