I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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