if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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